Yesterday morning I woke up to my laptop and worked for a couple of hours, ran errands all day and worked again until midnight. Not surprisingly, for the third day in a row I feel like I was hit by a bus. I am learning that I can't push myself like I'm used to doing.
All along I have figured that I'll just do my regular thing until August 29, wake up August 30, deliver BL and suddenly change my ways. Suddenly, running around like a crazy person and working into the wee hours of the night will be things of the past, because BL will be here and she will be my priority and any sacrifices made will be worth it because she is the most important thing.
But I don't think I can wait until August 30. I'm afraid I have to start changing my ways now. And that scares the hell out of me.
I've been thinking about it all day. Then my feelings were driven home by my friend Erin's two year-old daughter Henley screaming to me on the phone:
I WENT PEE-PEEEEE ON THE POTTYYYYYY!
Adorable.
Erin is the most determined person I know. She has been my dear friend and mentor since my first job out of college when we both worked for a large advertising agency in Dallas. With admiration and awe, I watched her work her tail off, travel all over the world, rise through the ranks and gain the respect of everyone with whom she worked.
Then a few weeks ago she emailed that she was leaving her impressive leadership position at her current agency to stay home with her two girls.
I believe Erin when she says, "Halpin, it's just not worth it." When she talks about her older daughter starting kindergarten and wonders aloud, "Where did the time go?" I think, I don't want to look back five years from now and wonder the same thing.
After hearing Henley's sweet voice on the phone, I get it.
I am not saying that I'm not going back to work once BL arrives. I just know I need to take it easy for BL's sake and my own. But if I am having this much trouble remembering what is most important while I am pregnant, how am I going to make it all work when I'm a mom?
So I'm trying to give myself a break. If I don't cross everything off my to-do list, that has to be okay. If I decide to back out of commitments because it's just too much, I have to give myself permission to do so without guilt.
I'm only 18 weeks pregnant, and already this is so hard.
You can have the best of both worlds as a mom and a career woman, you just have to figure out what's right for you, then find that balance in your life. Take it one day at a time. You might have to cut back on the hours, but think about what will make you happy. Your daughter will be happy when her mommy is leading a fulfilling life! And the next 5 years will fly by nomatter what - just be present and be true to yourself. You will be, and already are, a great mom.
Amber said...
April 1, 2008 at 8:50 AM
It's the weirdest thing being a mom and a career woman. You never really feel like you are 100% of either. Just realize that work is work is work. It's important, but it becomes less of who you really are down the road.
Anonymous said...
April 1, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Hang in there, mommy! lots of things to think about and you don' have to decide what your plan is now. BL will be loved, happy and cared for if you're at home, working full time or a mix of both. I feel a little crazy some times but after talking to other moms it makes me feel better. I think we were just told by our parents (and moms of the 70s) that women really can "do it all" however that doesn't mean you really have to! Enjoy the time with BL, now and when she's "out and about"! Suz
Anonymous said...
April 1, 2008 at 2:51 PM
This very posting scares the hell out of me and I am not even pregnant. We are cut from the same cloth on this one, and I wonder how the heck I am going to do it. The good thing is that you get to figure it out and then tell me what I need to do. :-)
Lauren said...
April 1, 2008 at 9:46 PM